Ep. 71 | Parenting Outside The Matrix: Raising Self-Led Kids in a System-Dependent World
EPISODE TRANSCRIPT
We've all heard it, haven't we? Things like, I can't pursue my dreams because I have kids, or my career is on hold until they're older. Or I'd be further along if I didn't have children. We've all heard these statements. Maybe you've even thought them yourself when you're exhausted or when you're frustrated, but today I'm actually calling bullshit on this whole narrative that your kids are why you're not where you want to be.
and don't worry. I am gonna bring a lot of nuance to this topic. It is really ironic that I'm actually recording this. Straight after the fact that my daughter had a meltdown, right when she had to leave home with her dad, go and have a nice daddy-daughter date. What? So that I could record this podcast.
So it's really ironic. But look, we've all heard these statements. Maybe you've even thought them yourself. When you're exhausted. When you're frustrated. But today I am calling bullshit on this whole narrative that your kids are why you are not where you want to be. We hear this so much online. I actually wanna bring a different perspective to this whole topic because I don't believe that our kids are actually holding us back.
They're not the reason that we [00:01:00] haven't hit particular goals that we wanna hit, or they're not liabilities on like our lifetimes balance sheet. They're actually our greatest teachers. They're our most honest mirrors that we could possibly find. Oh God, I mean the depths of it at the moment, they are the most honest mirrors, probably the most powerful catalyst as well for our actual growth that we will ever have in our life.
So I just wanna say welcome to Controversial as Fuck. I'm Holly Wild. If you're new to this podcast today, we're gonna be tearing down the bullshit around parenting that has us believing that our children are obstacles instead of what I believe. They're actually revolutionary forces. That's what I believe children are.
So before we jump into what's possible, let's get really, really honest about what we're up against. This whole setup around parenting is designed to make you see your kids as burdens, as expensive, time consuming, career killing, dream crushing, like this all sounds horrid. Think about how [00:02:00] people actually talk about kids.
Just think about in general society, we've probably said these words ourselves and you hear them a lot online. Words or terms like settling down, giving up, right? Giving up things for your kids. The sacrifice of parenting, like having children is basically a death sentence for your ambitions, for your identity.
These are really quite heavy terms and words that get thrown around. I don't believe any of this is by accident.And this is why I wanted to talk about this topic. I see a system that wants compliant adults. And this starts by making parents actually resent their kids.
I want you to think about this for a second, because when you are tired, when you're a resentful parent, you tend to happily hand your kids over to the very same system. And that system is schools that reward obedience over questioning doctors who medicalize normal kid behavior. It all just gets medicalized.
Everyone gets a term, a label these days for normal children's behavior. There's social pressure to feel every single [00:03:00] moment of your kid's life with structured activities and TV and movies that show kids as these annoying little dream killers, as if like being a parent is the worst possible thing that you can do these days.
I actually see it as a perfect setup for creating generation after generation. Of basically just system dependent people. It starts actually with convincing us as adults that our children are why we can't do what we want. That's the message that you see online in movies, in TV shows. It's, you cannot do what you want because of your child or because of your children.
You can't possibly grow your business. You cannot possibly get fit. There's no way you're gonna get enough sleep. You can't pursue your passions. You can't have nice things like forget about having a house. With nice things. This is the messaging that we are bombarded with continually, and I think this messaging actually is what screws us up.
It is a damaging mindset to hold, but also if we're really honest, it also damages our kids. It [00:04:00] damages the relationship and the connection that we can have with our children. They start seeing themselves as burdens. You think of all the children that all they hear all the time is why their parents can't do X, Y, Z, why they haven't achieved X, Y, Z because of them.
They start to feel like they're these burdens, that they're just problems to manage. They're limitations on the people that they actually love most. No wonder why we actually have generations now of the most anxious kids that are just desperate. Desperate for validation from everyone around them. So I wanna get into some truths that might be a little bit uncomfortable to hear.
It is different to what you commonly hear online. I, I like to bring a different perspective and it's one that, look, it can be uncomfortable. It's uncomfortable for me. I'm not trying to come across in this episode as so I am the perfect parent because I'm far from that. I get triggered, I get angry, I lose my temper.
I do all the things that you do. So please. When you're listening to this [00:05:00] episode, see me as someone on your level, not above you. I'm not trying to portray that at all. This is not me speaking down to you, but I do wanna bring a different perspective to what you commonly hear, because I think what we commonly hear is not helpful. So I'll start by saying this. Our children are not triggering us. They're actually revealing more of ourselves. They're showing you yourself. Think of the meltdown that sends you over the edge, right? It's pointing to where your own emotional regulation might need some work that def defiance that just makes your blood boil. It's highlighting your own issues. Maybe with control. Maybe it's with authority. There's that neediness that exhausts you.
I felt this. Where it's just, it's exhausting the constant neediness. It reflects our own unmet needs for connection. Our kids are basically walking, talking mirrors. They're constantly reflecting back the parts of yourself. That you maybe haven't dealt with yet, and the parts of myself that I [00:06:00] haven't dealt with yet, and know this isn't some woo woo concept, stick with me.
This is practical, right? Our strongest reactions always point to our own unhealed bullshit, our own baggage, our own work that needs doing. It's not even about our kids, it's about us. And when we shift from seeing our kids as the difficult ones,Or as they're difficult, challenging behaviors are just problems that need fixing.
Instead, we can start to turn that around to be, okay, there's a message here. There's a message, there's something underneath this. Everything that begins to change. And instead we stop asking, well, how do I get my kid to behave? How do I get my children to behave? And we start asking, what is this actually revealing about myself?
What is this showing me about myself? What is my reaction revealing in me? And that's where the growth honestly really starts for not just ourselves, but also for our children as well. So if you wanna go deeper, I've got some questions here that I want to want you to ask [00:07:00] yourself. Next time you child is pushing all of the buttons, when their behavior makes your blood pressure spike, I want you to ask yourself this.
Where else do I feel this powerless? when did I learn that I needed to control everything to feel safe? That was a big one for me. where in my past did I learn that to feel safe, I needed to control. So when I'm being triggered by my young one, is it because I'm trying to control that situation and I'm feeling unsafe? When you catch yourself thinking, oh, they should just know better. Oh, she needs to know better. He needs to know better. I want you to dig deeper. Who expected perfection from you? Ask yourself, who expected perfection from me? Whose voice am I actually hearing When I expect perfect behavior from my child, whose voice is that?
'cause I can guarantee it's not yours. Another one. When you are feeling resentful about meeting your child's needs, I want you to ask, when were my needs treated as burdens? What parts of me are [00:08:00] still needing care that I'm now resenting giving to my child?
'cause I guarantee there's something within you. There's something within me. There's gold in there to be mined. Another one that is a big one for myself is when you can't handle your kids' big emotions, those big meltdowns, like they're big explosions, I want you to consider which emotions wasn't I allowed to express going growing up. What happens in my body when I feel the emotions that I'm trying to shut down in my child? 'cause I can guarantee if we're shutting them down in our children, we shut them down in ourselves as well. And this was modeled to us. This was taught to us the most eye-opening question. If my child's behavior had nothing to do with me, how would I respond differently?
Because you think about it, there is always a shadow within ourselves that is, that is a light is being shone on when we are being triggered by our children's behavior. And if that wasn't there, [00:09:00] how might we be reacting differently? This one cuts right through our egos. Bullshit. And no, these questions are not comfortable.
Okay. They make us squirm a little bit and that's how we know that they're actually working, because what nobody tells us about parenting is this. The most powerful way to actually raise independent thinking kids isn't through techniques or strategies. It's actually through becoming that kind of person yourself, so they can see it in action.
Just think this through for a second. It's not about the perfect strategy, it's not about the perfect technique. Our children see how we model emotional regulation, how we model conversations that are difficult, how we model when we are triggered, how do we handle that? Our children are seeing that in ourselves, and this is why I wanna bring more of a, an ownership and a self-responsibility. Angle to this conversation that is different than what we obviously see a lot online. [00:10:00] I want you to think about this. When you find yourself thinking or saying, look, I could be so much further along in my business if I didn't have kids.
I want you to stop for a second. Even if there's truth to that. Yes, there absolutely can be truth to this. If someone listening to this doesn't have children, they would not quite comprehend what it's like to run a business, a podcast, whatever it is it is that you do in your life whilst having children.
It is definitely a higher workload. Like, let's not negate that. But I don't wanna come at this from a victim mentality. Yes, there probably is truth in the fact that you could potentially be further along in business if you didn't have children. Yes, you could be further along in your career. Yes, you could be further along in X, Y, Z, but let's not come at this from a conditioning talking standpoint.
The truth is we are exactly where we're meant to be right now. Exactly. Our children didn't choose how fast our business grows, how fast our podcast grows. [00:11:00] We did. And just stick with me. I've got a very different lens to this conversation through our own choices around boundaries, around priorities, systems, the support that we do or we don't have, that also plays into how far along we are in business or in our careers, or, you know, apply it to anything in your life.
And this isn't about feeling guilty, right? I am not here to, to pile guilt onto you, but it is about being honest with ourselves. Because it's only through having these honest conversations with ourselves, we actually get to take the power back. Here's a question I want you to really think about, and this is one that I did with myself.
What is the payoff that you are getting from blaming your children for where you might not be, where you want to be right now in life, in your business, in your career, in whatever it is? What is it that you are not having to face by making them the reason that that, that you are not where you want to be or where you think you should be?
Because I can [00:12:00] guarantee there is a payoff that you get for choosing to place the blame onto your children, whether it's not even consciously or not, right? You might not be consciously doing that, but maybe it's through words that you speak unconsciously from programming from the system. 'cause we're surrounded by it.
We get to blame our kids for why we're not X, Y, Z. But there is a payoff for us. Continuing that mindset, that conversation, instead of blaming our children for our unfulfilled dreams, ask ourselves this. What am I not willing to prioritize yet? What help am I not willing to actually ask for right now?What beliefs am I holding about what's possible and what's not possible while I'm a parent? and the shift from blame to actually taking ownership can look like this.I can't work out because my kids take all of my time. Right. That would be blame. What if it instead becomes, I haven't [00:13:00] created a setup that supports both my health and my family's needs. See how different they are.
One is blaming something external that may have some level of truth to it, but instead we take it to ourselves without throwing guilt and shame on ourselves. It's just, yeah, you know what? I haven't actually created the right structure, the right setup that supports my health and my family's needs. I haven't created that.
That's not on your child. Another one could be, oh, my child's behavior is making me stressed. Yes, you likely do feel stressed as a parent if you don't ever feel stressed as a parent, please tell me what the secret is because yes, there is truth to that.
But think about this. My child's behavior is making me stress. Is that true? No. They cannot make you feel anything That is a choice we can actually turn this into. I'm noticing that I get stressed when my child acts this [00:14:00] way. What is this telling me? One is, is blame. Blame something external. The other one is taking responsibility for our own emotional regulation or lack thereof.
Another one is, this is a big one. My relationship is suffering because we have kids, right? You're blaming kids for why your relationship is in the state that it's in. What if Instead, we looked at it as, we haven't made our connection a priority since becoming parents. How can we change that? What a difference that feels in our bodies.
One gives us responsibility, therefore gives us our power back. The other one is just continually laying blame on something external, which happens to be our kids, the most precious things in our lives, which does nothing for us or for them. So to go even deeper, I want you to ask yourself, what do I get out of playing the victim?
What responsibility am I actually avoiding by blaming my kids [00:15:00] for where I am? I've had to do this. I've had to ask this of myself numerous times. It is heavy, it is uncomfortable, but my God, is it rewarding? Another one? If I achieved everything that I wanted despite having children, what story about myself would I have to let go of which excuses wouldn't work anymore?
And maybe even journal on these. If you are the type that loves to write, I would actually encourage you to journal on these. You'd be surprised with what can come up for you. Another one is what? Part of me is scared of my own power. What part of me is scared of my own power? What might happen if I fully owned that?
Nothing. And no one is holding me back except for my own choices. My own choices. There is power in taking responsibility.
And who am I channeling when I say I can't because of my kids? I can't because of [00:16:00] my kids. Who are you actually channeling in that moment? where did you first learn that? Where did you first learn to hide behind limitations? It's a great question to ask. And another one is, what are we actually teaching our kids about their own power? Because if we're continually modeling to them that outside circumstances control what is possible for us, we are teaching our kids that exact same message.
We are teaching them that they are also powerless to outside circumstances, which is bullshit. And this actually takes us from a state of victim hood of victim mentality to actually taking charge of our life and of our decisions, and of our responsibility. That is such an important thing that we can do for our kids. It's such an important thing that they will see modeled in our behavior.
I don't have to tell you, our kids are constantly watching us. They're not just listening. They're watching and they'll either see us, blame them, or refuse to blame them or anyone else for our life, for our decisions for where we are or where we [00:17:00] think we should be.
Now, let's just switch gears for a second. Let's talk about the biggest system that's designed to create dependency, or one of the biggest, which is conventional education. Stick with me. I'm not shitting on education. Okay. Shit. With shit with me. Sit with me, stay with me. The modern school system wasn't created to develop free thinkers.
I've talked about this before on episodes, right? The education system needs a complete overhaul, needs a complete reform. It was not created to develop free thinkers. This is not a conspiracy. This is a fact. It was designed during the Industrial Revolution to produce workers, factory workers who would follow instructions, who would respect authority without question.
Think this through. This was all designed during the industrial revolution. You had to learn to follow commands, to follow orders, to not be a critical thinker. Through this has come standardized testing. You've got your rigid schedules, your age, segregation, [00:18:00] punishment for questioning. Don't be a critical thinker.
By the way, this is not to shit on teachers. There are incredible teachers out there, and if you're a teacher listening, hello. I love your guts. You're doing wonders for future generations. Especially if you're the type of teacher that encourages critical thinking. But across the board, the education system was not designed for critical thinkers.
It was designed for factory workers who followed orders and were good little minions. It's all about obedience over curiosity. These aren't flaws in the system. Hear me out. You're like, what the crap? Obviously they're flaws. Yeah. No, though they're actually how it was designed to be, yes, they're flaws as in this is not how it should be, but it was how it was designed.
The education system is completely opposed to raising independent thinkers. Again, this is not woo woo. This is a fact. Education and schooling though are not the same thing. Education is natural learning through curiosity, through experiences. It's like where you see kids that [00:19:00] follow the things that they're interested in and that they're passionate about and they light up.
Schooling is a specific approach. It's different. It's designed again for factory workers. It has not really exceeded that at all. It kills the very instincts that education is good for that. Education is meant to encourage. This is why I wanna talk about parenting outside the matrix or parenting outside the system. This means looking at whether conventional schooling actually aligns with what you want for your kids, and for many of us it doesn't.This does not mean that you have to homeschool or unschool, which is another term I've heard. Doesn't mean you have to do that, but it does mean making conscious. Choices about your child's learning about the child's environment in which they're learning in instead of just defaulting to what everyone else does.
We're taught to never question and to just follow what society does, and I'm very much against that [00:20:00] unless it makes sense for you and for your child. This can mean asking questions like, does this place actually nurture or kill my child's natural curiosity? Does it actually nurture it? This is why my child is coming of school age soon.
And we've been looking at different schools and alternative kind of ways of schooling. And we've had, we actually went and had a meeting with a principal and asked some very direct questions with that principal because I'm like, this is important. I wanna know what will my child be taught? What environment is this going to be like?
And these are some great questions that you can also ask. Are they learning to think for themselves or just repeat what they're told? I don't want my daughter to just be taught to just repeat what she's told. I don't want that. I want her to be an incredible critical thinker to raise questionsto feel safe, to even ask questions that are different to what maybe her peers will raise.
Is their individual learning style respected [00:21:00] or forced into a one size fits all approach? Because that is what typical schools are like. It's a one size fits all approach. Another one is, are they developing the intrinsic motivation or becoming dependent on gold stars and grades? I don't want my daughter to give a flying fuck about getting the top grade of the class.
Yes, she can do her best. I think that's awesome. Go for it. Go for gold, honey. But I don't want her to feel like. It. It comes back to her value or her worth. I want her to have that motivation herself to follow what she's passionate about. It's very different than just here. You get a gold star because you recited something perfectly.
Are they learning to question or to comply? Is the school, maybe there's a school you're looking at for your kids or a school that your kids are in. Are they taught to just comply blindly or to actually question, to raise those questions? [00:22:00] Another question I actually asked, this is left field that I actually asked the principal is, what is the stance on gender in this school?
What is taught to the children around gender? And that might not be a commonly asked question of principals in, you know, prospective schools that people are looking at. But I'm, I wanna know, I want to make sure my daughter is not gonna come home one day and, and be. Confused about what gender she's and thinking she needs to go and have surgery to turn herself into a boy like that is not happening.
That is not happening. I wanted to make sure what is actually taught in the school, what is taught as gender studies? Are they there to confuse our children? I wanted to know, the goal here is not to isolate our kids from the world with any of these questions. It's actually to make sure that they develop that inner compass. To be able to navigate life as conscious humans instead of being programmed by everything that's out there.
So let's just chat a little bit about how do we actually encourage this as a family, right? As a [00:23:00] family, or if you're a single parent, how do you encourage that critical thinking instead or, or that independent thinking instead of system dependence, which is what is the status quo? And what is common?
I think one of the most important things you can do as a parent is get really clear on what your non-negotiable values are that you want to pass on to your child. Non-negotiable, not what you think society values don't, don't even give a shit about what society values. What do you value and what do you think is so truly important to pass onto your chart?
I'm gonna give you some examples, and these are the ones that are really important for me and for teaching our daughter, and that is critical thinking over compliance. Now, this can make it challenging as a parent, and if you are the same, you'll know what I mean, because this also means they can question you as a parent, right?
My daughter questions me. It's not always comfortable, and I've had times where I have said it's just because I say so darling. And then after I'm like, that [00:24:00] was a shitty response. I actually had had this conversation with one of my friends recently in our home. We don't now say because I said so as an answer.
We try not to. There have been moments where I've said it questions are welcome even if they're inconvenient, right? And that that's what it is. It's inconvenience. Sometimes they can inconvenience us as children with all of their little critical thoughts and their questioning, but. I really do value critical thinking over compliance, so that means I have to be aware of not saying it's just because I said so and actually explaining it to her, whatever the topic is, it's inconvenient.
Don't get me wrong, it's so much easier to just go down the compliance route and just not encourage our kids to have critical thought. It inconveniences us when we do value critical thinking over compliance. But my God, is it so much better for our kids and for us.
Now, this is [00:25:00] a big one. Emotional honesty over forced positivity. This is something that I'm working on continually and it challenges me. You, you probably feel the same, maybe you don't. If you are, if you've conquered this one again, let me know how you did. But all feelings are valid. All feelings are valid.
And tell us something important. This is what I model to my daughter.
I don't just demand good behavior at the expense of her not being herself. I don't want my daughter to just have to be a good girl all the time, if that means she's not being herself.
Now, obviously there are boundaries and obviously I'm not just gonna let my daughter run amuck in a restaurant or in a cafe screaming the place down and being an absolute shit. To be around. There has to be boundaries. There has to be consequences. There must be, 'cause we are still guiding our children, but not at the expense of her being herself.
I [00:26:00] don't just sit there and say, you need to be good to make me look good. 'cause that's what it comes down to. When we are trying to tell our kids they have to be good. You have to be good. You have to be good. Often it's because I want to look good in front of other people. Another one is bodily autonomy and boundaries.
I don't force my daughter to hug, kiss people, even relatives. I don't force that on her. It has to be her wanting that we actually respect her. No, her boundary. And we've actually taught her how to say no And she's very comfortable in expressing that it's, we don't force that on her.
I wouldn't wanna be forced to hug somebody. I wouldn't wanna be forced to have to kiss somebody. So it's the same for a little one.they're learning about boundaries and their body and what makes them feel comfortable and what doesn't. And I, one thing that I'm really big on is our daughter trusting how her body feels. And if I just force her to go around hugging every single person, if she doesn't feel comfortable, she's actually shutting down [00:27:00] what her body is feeling and what her body is telling her.
And I want her to trust the signals that her body gives her above anything else. 'cause it keeps her out of very dangerous situations. So that's a real big one with us. Another one is working together over control. So obviously this is when it's age appropriate, but family decisions, we include her. No, our daughter is not in charge, although sometimes she bloody bloody O she thinks she is, but she's not.
Right, the, when she's not just our little subject here to be ruled over, we include her in conversations and we include her in decisions when it's age appropriate. There are many that she has no input in whatsoever 'cause they're not age appropriate. But we, we try our best to not come off as like overlords trying to control her.
And again, I don't always get this right. But when we're creating this kind of environment, it means constantly looking at our own stuff. This is what it comes down to. We are constantly evaluating [00:28:00] ourselves and not in a, like a treasure hunt, going to look for, oh, what's wrong within ourselves? 'cause that, that can be unhelpful as well.
But it is about that, like being a parent is, is so confronting at times because it is a mirror on our own shit that we don't wanna deal with or our, on our selfishness is a big one. Here are some deeper questions that I would love for you to ask yourselfthat may actually shine a light in some of the darker corners of our parenting. These are questions I've asked myself too, but when you find yourself being really rigid in trying to enforce rules that you could bend. Right that, you know, we've done this many times where we're enforcing rules that we could bend and there's no real dire consequences of bending them.
We're just being maybe control freaks. I want you to ask yourself what would happen inside me if I loosened to my grip a little bit here? What am I actually afraid would be exposed if I wasn't seen as in control?
This is quite common for someone who has a lot of [00:29:00] discipline, a lot of structure, a lot of consistency, right? These are great traits, but they can come with a shadow side of being too much in control of ourselves.
There is a time and a place for having, having a bit of a loose grip, a bit of fun, a bit of play. Another one is when you catch yourself wanting your child to be different, I want you to explore this question. Who am I trying to impress? Press? Who am I actually trying to impress through my child's behavior?
Think about this. If you are trying to control your child's behavior. Is it because there's someone that's there that you're trying to impress, but you're using your child's behavior as a means to impress them? Whose approval are you still chasing? when you worry about how others see your parenting?
I want you to ask yourself this question, what part of me thinks that my worth is dependent on my child's behavior?
What would happen if I cared more [00:30:00] about connection than appearances? Because think about it. If we cared more about the connection that we have with our children rather than how we appear to other people around us, what a different relationship we might be having with our child or with our children.
Another one is if you ever say things to your kids that your parents used to say to you that you swore you would never say, I want you to ask yourself, what old pain is getting triggered here?And think about this, if you were to actually heal this pattern, what would that mean about facing in your own childhood? They're uncomfortable questions. When you find yourself withholding connection, when your child misbehaves, where did you learn that love should be conditional? And how is this pattern continuing?
What was done to you? And no, this is not about blaming our parents. Now, we're not going from blaming our children to now blaming our parents. I obviously know nothing about [00:31:00] your circumstance, your upbringing, your childhood, but I'm not here to blame our parents. This is more about or or our caregivers, whatever environment we were raised in.
But this is more about shining a light on probably what is a shadow in ourselves that is being triggered in the conversations and the behaviors within our children, or that we're having with our children. And it's becoming aware of them and realizing, holy shit, I'm blaming my child for something that is within me for a need that is not being met from me, that we can fulfill within ourselves.
This does not mean that our goal is to have these perfect conflict free homes. That's not the goal. That's an impossible metric and standard to try to go after, but it does mean seeing conflict. In the house and in the home as a chance for connection and for growth rather than control and obedience. I want you to sit with that.
It's not about being perfect. It's not about trying to have, you know, no [00:32:00] conflict ever and have these perfect children that we never get triggered from. 'cause now we are perfect. That's not what the goal of this podcast episode is, and this conversation is it, but it does mean about. Owning when we mess up because you're going to, you absolutely are going to.
I absolutely have and will continue to, but I think one of the best things we can do for our children is to actually show them what taking responsibility looks like, modeling that to them.
And I do wanna be really clear, I'm not sitting here pretending parenting is easy. It's not. It's not easy. It's probably the hardest thing that most of us will ever actually do. I get triggered, I lose my temper, I cry, I get exhausted. I've cried many times as a parent. I question myself constantly, and then I wake up the next day and I try again.
And I try again. My daughter is incredibly strong-willed. I, I can't [00:33:00] express this enough. It's the thing that I actually love about her so, so much. And I do wanna like nurture that quality in her because the world needs kids who question and who are strong-willed and who aren't compliant. But I've gotta say, holy shit, does it challenge me?
It challenges my own will. It really does. There are days where I feel so fricking drained by bedtime. So this is why I wanted to make this clear. It's not about perfection, but the thing is, the difficulty of parenting isn't because of our kids. It's not because of them. It's because of what parenting actually demands of us.
It's what it triggers and brings up within ourselves. 'cause it demands. If we're decent parents, it demands that we face our own unhealed wounds. Listen, we have two choices. We can take the easy route and choose to never look at ourselves, to just hand off and palm off our kids to the system, and never encourage critical thinking.
Never encourage them to be [00:34:00] independent thinkers. Never encourage them to even stand up or question authority. Right. We could take that easy route and just ignore the stuff that bubbles up inside us and just go along with the narrative of kids are an absolute burden. They are a soul sucking burden. You can have that choice, or we can continue on the path of growth and we can continue on the path of taking radical responsibility.
And that does mean that it demands that we face our own shit. It demands it. It actually demands it. This is why we get exhausted. 'cause we keep trying every single day. It requires us to grow in ways that we might have avoided otherwise. This is the beauty in being a parent. It's the same with getting married, having a committed relationship that demands something different.
If you were just, and I'm not putting down being boyfriend and girlfriend by the way. And not having a commitment, like you could be boyfriend and [00:35:00] girlfriend, but have a life commitment together. Okay, so there's that. I'm not shitting on that at all, but what I'm saying is when there is a committed relationship, you've made a commitment, whether that be marriage or some other way.
That container, this is a side tangent for a second, but that container requires that we stay committed not just to the relationship, but to commitment itself. And I'm the first to say that I am not perfect at that. Okay. But it's to the commitment itself, to the fact that it is so much easier when you haven't made a strong commitment to each other, that when things get tough, you just walk.
There's a difference between that and when you have a committed relationship and you are like, you know what? We are not just committed to each other, but we're committed to this commitment. It brings up stuff. That we could have avoided without that commitment and in that relationship dynamic, we have to face it.
There's [00:36:00] no other way we have to face it. It's the same with parenting. We may be able to avoid certain things coming up and bubbling up the surface if we choose to not be parents. That is a fact. If we are not parents in this lifetime, there are things that we don't have to face because they only tend to come up in that dynamic.
A lot of it comes down to our selfishness as well. 'cause it does, being a parent requires us to grow in ways that we may have been able to avoid otherwise, it forces us to actually look at the parts of ourselves that we've been running from possibly for decades. Especially if you're like me, I, I had my daughter when I was 35 years of age.
I wasn't a super young mom. Right? I had been running from parts of myself for decades, and when I became a mom it was like holding up a mirror. While someone follows me around with a spotlight, that's what it felt like.and that spotlight is making sure that I don't miss any of my flaws or my [00:37:00] unresolved shit.
It is uncomfortable. Of course. That's bloody challenging. Of course, it is the most exhausting thing. We'll, prob probably ever do. Becoming a parent. But is that our child's fault? Fuck no. It is not our child's fault. they're just being exactly who they are meant to be in this lifetime.
The challenge actually comes from the gap between who we currently are and who we need to become to actually be the parents that our children deserve. Now, I don't want instant blame to come ourselves with that or shame. Hear me when I say this.
I'm with you on this. This is not a blame or a shame thing, but there is a gap. We know that gap between who we are right now and who we're becoming for our kids. So yes, parenting can be God hard. Sometimes it's so effing hard, but let's put the difficulty where it actually belongs. I'm sick of seeing this narrative online that kids are just the biggest burden in life.
[00:38:00] The difficulty does not belong on our children. It belongs on the growth that is required on us, not on our children, who are actually the catalyst for our growth. I see my daughter as the biggest catalyst in my life for my growth and for my evolution. She's not a burden. She's fuck. This is gonna make me emotional.
She's the biggest bloody blessing in my life. Seriously. Our children aren't the reason why we're not where we think we should be, where we're meant to be. They're actually the reason why we're exactly where we need to be for our own growth. They are the catalyst for our own growth and for our own evolution.
Every single bloody button that they push, every plan that gets derailed, like, oh my God, as soon as you have a baby, like, we don't get training for this. I remember when I first had had my little girl. And she was a brand new baby. Just getting out the door felt so hard. It was like, oh my God. You go, you get out the door and she vomits all over herself.[00:39:00]
You change her, you go to get out the door and next minute there's a projectile poo explosion. It's constant, right? When you're a brand new parent, it's like, oh my God. Every time you have a plan, something gets derailed, and then it doesn't necessarily stop. It just changes with tantrums as they get older and, and, you know, instead it might be stripping down naked and rolling in dirt in the backyard.
I've, I've had all of it, right? Every single parent knows what this is like. Every single button that they push, every expectation that they shatter. It's an invitation to shed another layer of programming within ourselves, We get to shed that layer and to get to step more into who we are here to become.
It's not despite them. It's because of them. They are our greatest gifts in our greatest teachers. The, the system wants you to see your children as obstacles. As the biggest burden on your freedom and your success and your happiness and your wealth and everything [00:40:00] else. But as long as we're blaming them, we're not seeing what the real barriers actually are.
It's, it's not our children. It's the limiting beliefs that we hold, that we still hold despite all the work that we think we've done. It's the unhealed patterns. It's that social conditioning that keeps both us and our children dependent on that external validation or that external authority. Parenting outside of the system is not perfect.
It's far from perfect. It's so messy, but it is about being awake. It's about receiving those incredible gifts that your children came to offer. God, this gets me emotional. Even if those gifts that your child or your children are offering to you, they come wrapped in, you know, challenges and mess and tantrums and difficult moments, they're still gifts because the truth is our children didn't come to meet our expectations.
This is something [00:41:00] that is a false narrative, like our children are not there to meet the expectations that we hold of them. They actually came to expand our capacity to expand us. They didn't come to fit into the system. They're our little trailblazers. They came to help us to see beyond the system we've already had the deep conditioning that they haven't quite had yet, and they can help us to come out of the system like they're our greatest teachers.
So honestly, if we wanna raise a generation of self-led humans, people that can think critically, can take responsibility for themselves, can create new possibilities, be the biggest pioneers and trailblazers in this lifetime. It actually starts with us. It starts with us refusing to blame them for our own limitations.
And to me, that's not just good parenting. That's, that's revolutionary parenting. And it is [00:42:00] so unique. It is not common, and that is why it's revolutionary. So I'm gonna leave you with this. I know parenting can be challenging. I'm in the depths of it. I'm in the depths of tantrums at the moment. I'm in the depths of it.
It's, it's heavy at times. It's difficult. It is raising so much stuff within myself. That I haven't wanted to face and questions that I've been pondering. I'm, I'm here in the mud with you, I promise you on that, and I only have one. So hats off to legends that have a tribe of kids. Honestly, you guys are mother beeping legends.
I'm here with you. This is not to shame you. The days when you're exhausted and you're tired and you feel worn out and you're like, fuck, this is hard, and you've questioned. Man, I, why did I do this? Or, man, I miss my life before I have kids. If, if that's where you are at, I just wanna send you love.
Genuinely. I'm not here to shame you. I'm not here to pile any blame onto it all. But you are built different. You are fucking built different to the status [00:43:00] quo. I know that because you listen to this podcast, you're different. You're a critical thinker. You're not like the pack. You don't wanna be like the pack.
You can keep going in amongst the muck and remind yourself it's not your kids. It's not. It's what it's revealing in you. It's what it's revealing in me and it's messy, but you're not just a good parent. I know that If you're a listener of this podcast, if you are watching me on YouTube, you're not just a good parent, you're a revolutionary parent 'cause you're choosing to do things differently and know that doesn't mean our kids just get to rule the world and run 'em up.
Bloody oath. No. My child has strong boundaries that I enforce and that her dad enforces, but I just, I really do just wanna send you love and I want you to know that in amongst the muck, it's still not your kids. It's us. It's us. And yeah, that's heavy, but that's also bloody powerful. So much power in that 'cause then it means we get to make different choices [00:44:00] and we get to do things differently.
And we say we're built different and this is where we bloody show it. I love your guts. Thank you so much for tuning in. I do just wanna let you know that I'm actually dropping down episodes. Don't freak out. You still get one a week, but I was doing every Tuesday and then Thursdays were my comment, chaos episodes, which were hugely popular.
By the way, my number one episode amongst all of the episodes is actually a comment. Chaos episode where I was going through comments on sex and sperm and the absurdity of forced birth narratives, where I went through TikTok comments and yeah, that episode went off. That is my number one episode, but I am finding it challenging to keep up with two episodes a week, plus do business stuff, you know, plus take on clients and do content and be a mom and do all the things, right?
Life has been quite busy, and so I have had to drop something and I've looked at, I'm like, you know what? One episode or week. But what I am going to do is at the end of [00:45:00] that weekly episode, I will start to go through some comments to finish it off with just some comments from social media. I won't on this one 'cause this one's long enough.
But yeah, I just wanna let you know you're still gonna have every single Tuesday episode drop and I will be committed to doing one a week. It's just been a little bit challenging, also doing a Thursday episode drop. So they are, they are no longer. But I will still be going through your comments because you guys seem to love when I respond to comments online and Bloody Oath has TikTok and even YouTube.
But there's been so many comments lately that I'd love to go through. So we'll put those at the end of every Tuesday's episode now here and there. This has been a awesome episode. I love this topic. Please share it far and wide. If you have friends that are parents that you know are also going through it, they're going through a hard time, they're in the muck.
But they're also critical thinkers and they see the world differently. Send them this episode as an encouragement. Send it to them. Let them know that they're not alone, that we're all in this [00:46:00] together, and that our kids are. Honestly gonna be such unique firecrackers in this world who are gonna stand up to authority, gonna stand up to the system, to the power structures.
They're gonna stand up and they're not going to be told what to think. They're gonna think for themselves, and I think we are. Honestly raising some of the most badass kids in this world. So I just wanna applaud you. I love your guts. I'm gonna sign off now. Have an awesome week. Enjoy your kids, love on them, give them all the love that they deserve, and we'll chat next week.
Legend. Bye.
THE SHOW
